The Unnoticed Laws

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot  coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

8 Commonly Used Phrases That Make No Sense

Want to be a clear, concise communicator? Here’s a simple tip that guarantees you will take a step towards that goal: cut out unnecessary adjectives and adverbs – usually words like very, really, absolutely and extremely, although not limited to these. But even if you are addicted to jazzing-up your communication with a few extra words that don’t add much value, there are certain combinations that should be banned. These are the ones that are nonsensical, rather than just being surplus words.

 

Here is my list of the most common (and irritating!) culprits:

 

1. Past (or previous) experience

Do you have access to a time machine? If not, it’s unlikely you’ve had any future experience.

 

2. Future planning

If you spend a lot of time on past planning, save yourself the trouble – it isn’t much help.

 

3. Totally unique

It’s either the only one of its kind or it isn’t! It’s not possible to be half unique.

 

4. Free gift

I can’t remember the last person who gave me a gift and then presented me with the bill for it! I certainly wouldn’t have been grateful.

 

5. New recruit

Have you got a few old ones stored away in a dusty cupboard?

 

6. New innovation

If only we could get rewarded for old innovation, life would be so much easier. I’d love to ‘innovate’ the light bulb, electricity and the wheel! What old innovations will you create today?

 

7. Two halves

Ever seen a melon being halved into four, or six, or eight?

 

8. Literally combined with anything that clearly didn’t happen

…as in “my heart was literally in my mouth” or “I literally jumped out of my skin” (gory).

8 Important tips to help you waste time in meetings

1. Invite everyone. We all need to time to waste, and you wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings by not including them. However, be careful about inviting people who might try to accomplish something during the meeting. On the other hand, make sure you invite people who tell good jokes, like to goof around and are generally entertaining.

2. Don't start the meeting until everyone has arrived. Starting a meeting on time would be rude to those who are late. Plus starting a meeting late helps everyone feel more comfortable about being late next time, which almost assures you will start the meeting late everytime.

3. Never, never, never have an agenda. Agendas create structure that can stifle tangents.

4. Leaders should do most if not all of the talking. Since the leader knows best, it makes the most sense that he or she talk the most.

5. Only those with "good" ideas should provide them. Anybody who submits a "stupid" idea should be laughed at, mocked and generally spit upon.

6. Give people freedom to "multitask" during meetings. Let everyone know at the start of the meeting that if they need to do other things such as texting, reading email or answering calls to go right ahead. It will make the meeting all the more productive for everyone.

7. Never make assignments. Assignments mean work will need to be done.

8. Never end a meeting on time. Doing so means you didn't apply items one through seven above!

10 Most Important WORDS for ADVERTISEMENTS

1. Use the word "fast" in your ad. People want fast
results, fast delivery, fast ordering, etc. Nowadays,
we usually value our time more than our money.

2. Use the word "guaranteed" in your ad. People
want to be assured they are not risking their hard
earned money buying your product.

3. Use the word "limited" in your ad. People want
to own or receive things that are exclusive or rare
because they are considered to be more valuable.

4. Use the word "easy/simple" in your ad. People
want easy ordering, easy instructions, easy to use,
easy payments, etc.

5. Use the word "testimonial" in your ad. People
want to see believable proof before they buy your
product. It should be reputable and specific proof.

6. Use the word "discount/sale " in your ad. People
want to find bargains. They could be rebates, one
time sales, percentage offers, get one free offers, etc.

7. Use the word "free" in your ad. People want free
incentives before they do business with you. They
could be free books, accessories, services, etc.

8. Use the word "you/your" in your ad. People want
to know that you are talking them. This'll make them
feel important and attract them to read the whole ad.

9. Use the word "important" in your ad. People do
not want to miss important information that could
effect their life. People will stop and take notice.

10. Use the word "new" in your ad. People want
new products or services that will improve their life
like new information, tastes, technology, results, etc.

What happens if 1 rupee = 45 dollars.....

Scene 1
Venue : Microsoft Corporation, New York , US Some s/w engineers are seeing some photographs.
s/w engg 1 : What's that?
s/w engg 2 : Bob's photographs from India .
s/w engg 1 : Wow. Let me see. Which is this place?
s/w engg 3 : (Sees the photo) This is Airport  Road, bangalore
s/w engg 1 : Fundoo yaar! And what is this? He got Bajaj Pulsar also.
s/w engg 2 : Let me see (sees). This guy enjoys life maan...
s/w engg 3 : You know how much an Bajaj Pulsar costs? Nearly 60K..... Say it in dollars...
s/w engg 2: Oops. We can't dream of such a thing here.
s/w engg 1 : Let's go to India & try for a job.

[Everybody excited.]
------------ --------- --------- --------- --
SCENE 2

Venue: Sun Microsystems, SanFrancisco , California, US
s/w engg 1: I'm with you man. My Visa is expected anytime. Soon I will fly to India
s/w engg 2 : Ohhh.... When is the party?
s/w engg 1: When I get it on hand.
s/w engg 2: Where will you be working?
s/w engg 1 : I'll be working in whitefield
s/w engg 2 : Oh! whitefield. Great yaar. where it is...
s/w engg 1 : It is in Bangalore.
s/w engg 3 : Fundoo place yaar. Nice climate Not like California. You'll love the weather yaar. One of my friends is in Jaipur, Rajasthan... He says it's the ultimate place to live in. Cool maan.
s/w engg 2 : Who is the client yaar?
s/w engg 1: You know bangalore Municipal Corporation?
s/w engg 3 : Yeah. BMC. One of my friends is there in the Road Cleaning Division. Most challenging job yaar. People are working in the cutting edge of technology there.
s/w engg 1 : I'll be writing software for the accounts department of the GCU.
s/w engg 2: GCU? what it means...?
s/w engg 1 : that is Garbage Collecting Unit.
s/w engg 3 : : Great yaar. That's what I like about that country. You can get a job which requires all your skill. Not like here. See I'm writing software for the space shuttle remote control. I hate this.
s/w engg 1 : Don't worry guys. I'll give you my Hotmail id. You can send your resume to me and I'll forward it to the HRD.

[Everybody takes down his Hotmail id.]

------------ --------- --------- --------- --SCENE 3

Venue: IBM, New York, US

(Conversation between a Male s/w engg. and Female s/w engg.)

Male : Hi!
Female: Hi. You know. I'm planning to settle in India soon.
Male : What??
Female : Yeah. My marriage will be here in America only. He is doing his Ph.D in Bharthi University and he's coming here for a month. His study will be over in 2 months. H e's already got a job in MSCB. We planned to settle in B'lore itself... I'm also planning to work there. Let's see...
Male: Good luck... dont forget us & US...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --SCENE 4

Venue: Intel Corp. US

s/w engg 1: Great news guys. Our George has got admission in the Manasa Gangothri College in Mysore with scholarship for B.A History. A great new field yaar...

All are excited...

George : Got my Visa yesterday. It's all finalized now.
s/w engg 2 : Congrats yaar. So you are out of this country.
s/w engg 1 : B.A in Histroy...ohh. ..man, enjoy your life there?
s/w engg 2 : : Got full aid, eh?
George : Yeah. Got the UGC scholarship That will be 1200 Rupees per Year.
s/w engg 1 : Great. Enjoy.
s/w engg 2 : (Thinking loud): 1200 Indian Rupees...! That means 1200 * 45 = 54000 Dollars... with that amount I can buy an three bed-room flat & a Mercedes here...!!!

Top 10 Qualities of Excellence

1. Natural Talent - Know Your Brilliance!
An uncut diamond has a wealth of unrealized possibility and brilliance. The beauty inherent in the diamond beckons us to develop its potential. Likewise, we are at our best when we develop our natural talent. Know your brilliance and learn to become it every day.

2. Invest in your success.
Life rewards those who are invested in their success. If you're ambivalent about what you really want, you won't get what's most important. Let what ever it is you're striving for mean something to you! Don't stay stuck if you're not happy or making progress. Invest in your success so you're completely passionate and motivated towards realizing your dream. Believe in your dream and you'll be invested in the creation of your success.

3. Integrity
When you have integrity, your word means something. If people can't depend on your word, integrity's lacking. If your actions aren't aligned with your words, a disconnect occurs  this disconnect then compromises your integrity. Integrity is the quality of being complete and undivided living from "what's right." Live life so that you are always in a state of integrity.

4. Passion
Passion is that which deeply moves us. It's the fire from within and that which motivates us. Passion deeply stirs us and compels us into action. Passion gives us the ability to be touched, moved and inspired. Passion is at the core of excellence tap into yours and let it guide your vision!

5. High Standards
Excellence implies striving for quality. Standards of excellence are those that are flawless and impeccable. Do you complete work? Do you surround yourself with people who nourish your spirit and intellect? Do you address discrepancies or concerns on the spot? Good isn't enough; we need to exceed expectations and continually raise the bar for excellence. In this way, quality is continually generated.

6. Creativity and Innovation
Creativity and innovation require openness and questioning. The belief that anything's possible paves the way for creative thinking. *Outside of the box* thinking produces innovation, and what company doesn't want to be at the forefront of innovation? Creativity and innovation require a boldness to play and discover... to be comfortable enough to admit that one doesn't know the answers. It's in the openness to not knowing the answers that allow creativity and innovation to be born.

7. Self Awareness
Self-awareness, particularly about the supports and structures that bring out our best, is key. Lacking self-awareness is like stumbling in the dark - one randomly bumps into what one is looking for. Contrast this to knowing exactly the supports and structures that support you. With self-awareness, one is able to get oneself *into the zone* with precision and accuracy. Pay attention and observe yourself to enhance your self-awareness skills.

8. Commitment
Commitment implies a willingness and a *stick-to-it-ness.* If one is committed, one's support is uncompromising and unending. One is willing to do anything in support of the commitment. Commitment drives us and anchors us during challenging times. Commitment enables us to maintain a high degree of perseverance. Commitment opens the door to self-mastery and excellence.

9. Showing Up
It doesn't matter HOW we show up, what matters is THAT we show up. Day after day, step after step. Don't let temporary obstacles keep you from showing up on a day to day basis. Pace yourself like an athlete and learn to develop new habits by incorporating the behavior on a day to day to day basis. Show up no matter what, and you'll gain stability and forward momentum as you move your vision forward.

10. Contribution
Looking back, what do you want the memories of your life to be? Excellence isn't solely about success, measured by how much money or notoriety we gain. Success is definitely not excellence if we've stomped on people en route to our goals!

Excellence is about contributing our best to the world while evoking others to do the same. It's about understanding our place and making our mark in the world, as we attempt to make it a better place.

Excellence is about contribution and honouring others as we move forward towards our vision.

Excellence lies in the hearts of all who evoke it in others by mentoring, supporting, exemplifying and giving back.

Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ...........Everyone agreed
that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...

ate the cookies..... ......... .

drank the milk........ ......

sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....

screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......

put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... ......!!! !!!!!!!