10: Not Following Through
Parents don't really want to punish their kids. It's so easy to think that a warning (or two or three) will avoid a fight, save everyone's feelings and fix the problem. Instead, failing to enforce the consequences of bad behavior just makes your child see you as unreliable and easily manipulated. And since engaging in the bad behavior carries no consequences, your child has no reason to change it. In fact, your child's behavior may become worse if not appropriately disciplined. Kids want the limits, and they'll probe until they find them.
9: Not Setting Limits
Keep limits few, basic and clear. Children can't memorize a book of rules, so focus on behaviors with high importance. Keep in mind your child's level of maturity and his or her ability to meet certain expectations. This will help you set reasonable behavior guidelines. A toddler would have a hard time staying quiet and still through a two-hour movie, but he or she can learn that we handle problems with words, not fists and teeth.
8: Failing to Stretch Limits
Stretching limits involves two-way trust and communication. Don't just drop the fences. Your kid wants opportunities to safely explore outside the old rules, not the removal of them all. That can be frightening and imply that you no longer care. Reevaluate boundaries before you change them and decide what's appropriate for your child at his or her present age and maturity level.
7: Consistently Giving In to Your Kids
Kids start negotiating surprisingly early. They may not be able to form complete sentences, but they can form complete thoughts, including how to get you to do what they want. At first, it's a charming glimpse into your child's developing personality, as well as a startling revelation of how well they've got you figured out. By the time they hit the tween years, though, negotiation can feel like constant battle. It's so much easier just to give in and let them have what they want. At least you get a few minutes of peace and quiet.
When you constantly give in to pressure from your child, you've given up your role as parent. You're no longer guiding your child toward responsible behavior and sound decision-making. Meanwhile, your child loses respect for you and keeps arguing for outrageous privileges.
6: Acting Like a Servant
Since the goal of child-rearing is to grow them up and move them out, it's counterintuitive to spare them chores. Kids need responsibilities to feel mature and part of the family, as well as to develop the skills they'll need for living on their own.
Parents, however, get used to doing everything for our sons and daughters when we bring them home as infants. Sometimes it's hard to break that habit. By the time kids reach their teens, parents can feel overwhelmed, frustrated and resentful toward children who don't do anything for themselves. For some parents, that's what it takes to make us see that our kids are capable of doing much more for themselves.
5: Using Intimidation
Emotions are normal and natural, and everyone experiences the full range, including anger. But just as you want to model good behavior for your child, it's important to model self-control of emotions. Here are some tips for avoiding the intimidation scene:
- Take a deep breath and relax your body. Counting to 10 can help shift you out of the emotional part of your brain and back into the rational part.
- Sit down. This puts you at eye level with your child, so you're not looming over him or her.
- Put your hands in your pockets or reach out to hold your kid's hands. This keeps you from stabbing angry fingers in his or her face.
- Focus on the problem, not your son or daughter.
- Take a break if you or your child gets too worked up.
4: Being a Friend Before Being a Parent
Parents need to be teachers, leaders, providers and disciplinarians. That's as it should be, since kids rely on parents to take care of them. Sure, it's no fun being the rules police, especially when you've only got a few hours each day to spend with your child. But children want parents to be in charge, despite what they say to the contrary, or how many times they tell us that all their friends' parents are more fun than we are.
3: Comparing and Criticizing
Instead of making negative comparisons between your children, or between your child and his or her peers, identify your boy or girl's unique strengths and qualities and cultivate an appreciation for them. If you must vent about a particular incident involving your kid, do so with a trusted confidant when your son or daughter isn't around to hear the conversation. Don't try to discuss the issue in veiled phrases and code words in your child's presence. Kids are smart, and your subterfuge won't fool them.
2: Doing Too Much
There are many ways parents can do too much for their children; one is to buy everything your child asks for. In our material world, new gadgets and must-have fashions pop up as quickly as weeds after rain. Kids are often convinced they can't live without the latest thing, and many parents may believe the only way to make their boy or girl happy is to buy everything on the wish list. But deep down, we know that money and things don't provide happiness. Overindulging children with gifts sometimes serves the parent more than the child.
Another way parents do too much is to help your child with every project, problem or task. Sure, adults usually have the know-how to get the assignment done quickly. We've been there and done that -- and the past is the point. Now it's your kid's turn to grow and learn though the experience of doing. As parents, we've got to learn to back up, put our hands in our pockets and our mouths on mute and let our youngsters' ideas unfold.
Parenting doesn't come with a handbook. It's all on-the-job training. But the same is true for kids trying to grow into adults. No guidelines, just lots of unwritten rules that restrict who our children think they want to be. Ultimately, both parties want the same outcome: the kids' independence. Parents just tend to want to attach a couple of modifiers to that: responsible, successful independence.
There are subplots in every family drama, hurdles that must be overcome before our goals are met. Some of those hurdles we set up for ourselves. Often our good intentions, hopes and desires sabotage our parenting program. Sometimes we'd rather be the good parent than engage in good parenting. And sometimes our kids are right. We just don't understand what they're going through.
Parenting isn't just a job; it's a lifelong commitment. And when you're caught up in the day-in, day-out adventures of raising kids for around two decades, it's easy to fall into habitual behavior. Unfortunately, some of those habits are counterproductive. In this article, we'll look at 10 bad habits parents fall into, often without realizing it. Read on to learn their symptoms, as well as tips for breaking them.
1: Not Listening Enough
Listening is a much more effective approach to helping your child work through problems and make decisions. These are, after all, important life skills that need exercise to develop. Instead of telling your kid what to do in a given situation, sit down and ask him or her to tell you what he or she wants the ultimate outcome to be. Pay attention to your boy or girl's feelings and emotions. Listen and learn about daily challenges and achievements. Then ask to hear your child's thoughts on how to get to that endpoint. This brainstorming session helps your child explore possibilities, and it gives you a deeper understanding of how your offspring thinks and feels. Next, ask your kid to sift through the ideas he or she came up with to find the one most likely to bring success. Finally, ask how he or she plans to put the solution into action.
FOOTNOTES
Bribery Blues
Attempting to bribe your child into good behavior often has negative results. Food rewards can lead to unhealthy eating habits. Over time, bribery can get out of hand, with your child demanding ever-increasing rewards for doing what he or she is supposed to do anyway. It's better to catch your child being good and reward them for that than to try to buy his or her way out of bad behavior.
Tone It Down
Chronic yelling is a form of emotional abuse and can harm children's mental health. When shouting is overused, kids just tune it out, but they often exhibit negative behaviors, such as aggression and withdrawal
Equal Isn't Fair
Each child is different. While you shouldn't make negative comparisons between your children, it's also not the best policy to treat them exactly the same. Show each child respect for his or her individual strengths, abilities, needs and preferences.
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