7 Habits of EFFECTIVE FAMILY : Habit 7 - Sharpen the Saw

Sharpening the saw means attending regularly to renewal in all of the life balance areas. Covey identifies four key areas of life, Physical, Social/Emotional, Spiritual and Mental and looks at

renewal for both the individual and family.

In a family environment repeating habits of family renewal create traditions. These will obviously vary from family to family and examples from Covey’s and other families are given. Probably the most important of these traditions is having fun together.

From Survival…. To Stability…. To Success…. To Significance

Covey brings the Seven Habits together in a variation of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the movement from survival to stability, to success and onto significance. He contends that as we move through these stages we progress from problem solving to creating. In the areas of survival and stability we primarily focus our mental energy on problem solving. As we move toward success and significance the emphasis shifts to creating goals, vision and purpose that transcend the family itself. ‘When you’re problem minded, you want to eliminate something. When you’re opportunity or vision minded, you want to bring something into existence and this is a totally different mind-set.

This same transition applies equally to businesses as outlined in ‘Built to Last’. Covey uses the concept of a Force Field to consider the impact of ‘driving and restraining forces on the path from survival to significance. He contends that it is necessary to completely remove the restraining forces or they will eventually restore the old equilibrium.

There are four leadership roles that move a family (or business) along the path from survival to

significance –

1. Modelling – you cannot guide people unless you ‘walk the talk’

2. Mentoring – building trusting relationships that opens others to influence and teaching

3. Organising – aligning structures and systems to allow you to accomplish objectives

4. Teaching – the above are the preconditions that enable teaching to take place.

Thinking about these roles highlights the distinction between managing and leading, between doing what is urgent or what is important. ‘Family life today is a high-wire trapeze act with no

safety net. Only through principle-centred leadership can you provide a net in the form of moral authority in the culture itself, and simultaneously build the mind-set and the skill-set to perform the necessary “acrobatics” required.’

 

7 Habits of EFFECTIVE FAMILY : Habit 6 - Synergise

Synergy is creative teamwork. It is the magic that happens when one plus one equals three, the third or better alternative that is generated from the interaction between people. Synergy lies in the relationship between the people who are interacting almost as if creating a third ‘person’ - you, me and we. It’s a risky business though, because the parties going into a situation don’t know what’s going to come out of it, but know that it’s going to be better than anything they individually brought in.

Appreciating other people’s uniqueness and living with the differences is often difficult, as we want to mould people in our own image. The key to creating synergy is learning to value, even celebrate the difference.

Habits 4, 5 and 6 often work in conjunction by involving people in the problem and working together to arrive at a solution. The key is to focus on the issue and the desired results, not on personalities and positions. The following process demonstrates how the habits combine to solve problems.

1. Establish what the problem is from everyone’s point of view. Work at it until people can express each person’s position to that person’s satisfaction.

2. Identify the key issues. Look at the problem together and clearly identify the issues to be resolved.

3. Define what would constitute a fully acceptable solution. What would be a win for each person? Establish the criteria, refine and prioritise.

4. Think of other options that would meet these criteria. Look for creative new approaches and solutions.

Synergy can also occur when people work together in a way in which one person's weaknesses are complemented by the other strengths. This requires self-awareness, as first you must be able to acknowledge your own strengths and weaknesses. Covey refers to this kind of synergy as transactional plus. Where one person exchanges their weaknesses for another’s strengths.

 

7 Habits of EFFECTIVE FAMILY : Habit 5 - Seek First to Understand.Then to be Understood

The way we see the world is not necessarily the way other people see it. ‘In fact, people do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are – or as they have been conditioned to be.’15 It is important to seek to understand before you seek to influence – to diagnose before prescribing. ‘We each look at the world with our own pair of glasses – glasses that come out of our own unique background and conditioning experiences, glasses that create our value system, our expectations, our implicit assumptions about the way the world is and the way it should be’16

Communication breakdowns result when people interpret the same event differently ‘As we project our conditioning experiences onto the outside world, we assume we’re seeing the world the way it is. But we’re not. We’re seeing the world as we are – or as we have been conditioned to be. And until we gain the capacity to step out of our own autobiography – to set aside our own glasses and really see the world through the eyes of others – we will never be able to build deep, authentic relationships and have the ability to influence others in positive ways.

Empathic listening overcomes the two major communications problems, perception and semantics.

Perception - how people interpret the same data. Semantics - how people interpret the same word.

It means trying to see the world through another’s eyes, within their frame of reference.

Communication is enhanced not only by the practical reality of truly understanding the other persons point of view from their perspective, but also because it builds trust by making significant

deposits to the persons emotional bank account.

‘Seeking first to understand’ means just that. Often we seek first to be understood, so we evaluate, advise, probe or interpret from our own perspective, our own values. An understanding response reflects back the other person's feelings. If the level of trust is high, this can often be achieved quickly, if not, time will need to be taken as you focus on the underlying meaning, which is found more in feelings and emotions than in the words being used.

Empathic understanding is not easy to do. It takes character to take the time to understand someone when you really know what they are thinking (you usually don’t) or when you’re sure that

you have the perfect answer (which you usually don’t).

When the other person is truly understood, to their satisfaction, you can move to the second stage of 5th Habit, seek to be understood. However, having taken the time to understand first, you are better able to speak to others in language that they understand.

 

7 Habits of EFFECTIVE FAMILY : Habit 4 - Think 'Win-Win'

Habits 4, 5 and 6 are linked. They work together to create new ideas and solutions that are better than could be achieved by any one individual.

 

• Habit 4 – Think ‘win-win’ is the root. It’s the fundamental paradigm of seeking mutual benefit.

• Habit 5 – Seek first to understand…then to be understood is the route. Is the path to understanding.

• Habit 6 – Synergise is the fruit. It is the result. A reward for the effort which creates a something better than 1 + 1 = 2

 

These three habits are about creating the social weather that helps us ask the question ‘Would you be willing to search for a solution that is better than what either of us is now proposing? The consequence of not working towards win-win is to accept either win-lose or lose-win, neither of which is a satisfactory outcome. The principle behind win-win is that what is important to another person must be as important to you as the other person is to you.

 

Cultivating the spirit of win-win

 

Inexperienced or immature people tend to act on their wants, and not their needs. Often unpopular decisions made by parents appear to be win-lose. The key is in the relationship as measured by the emotional bank account. ‘People will basically allow you to deal with their needs rather than their wants when they trust you and know that you care.’

An important step is creating win-win agreements, which contain – desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability and consequences.

Thinking win-win is at the heart of what family is all about. But this is often difficult to remember when caught up in the emotion of the moment. The ‘pause’ between stimulus and response discussed in Habit 1 is critical, as it provides the opportunity to connect with the ‘big picture’ or destination which was established by Habit 2 (Begin with the End in Mind).

 

7 Habits of EFFECTIVE FAMILY : Habit 3 - Put First Things First

‘Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of thing which matter least.’ Goethe Habit 2 tells you what ‘first things‘ are, habit 3 has to do with the discipline and commitment to live by those things. Often people feel that there is a gap between what really matters most to them, such as their family, their purpose or vision, and the way that they live their daily lives. The reason for this often goes back to Habit 2 - we are not really connected to our deepest priorities.

Creating Structures in the Family

Enormous social and technological changes that have taken place over the past 50. Most businesses and professions are being reinvented and restructured to accommodate this new reality. But according to Covey the same kind of restructuring has not occurred in the family. A key starting point is to establishing weekly family time to plan, teach, solve problems and to have fun together. All of these activities help to build the emotional bank account. One of the reasons that the family is so critical today, is the shift in societal support and values over the past 50 years. Although the table below represents US experience it is not dissimilar from that in most western societies.

The most difficult part of establishing any new habit is making the commitment. Once this has been done the next step is to ‘put in the big rocks first’. To represent our existing time commitments Covey uses the analogy of a bucket already full to the brim. It is almost impossible to cram additional rocks into it - you have to empty it first, then put in the ‘big rocks’ first. This can be achieved by organising your week around roles and goals, rather than activities.

7 Habits of EFFECTIVE FAMILY : Habit 2 - Begin with the End in Mind

‘The end in mind’ is your destination. It is about creating a clear vision of what you and your family stand for, and what you hope to achieve. Vision is the power behind every successful individual and organisation. ‘Vision is greater than ‘baggage’ – greater than the negative baggage of the past and even the accumulated baggage of the present. Tapping into this sense of vision gives you the power and the purpose to rise above the baggage and act based on what really matters most.’

This chapter focuses on developing a family mission statement as the practical application of the habit. In a business environment it is developed by answering the question - ‘What is the essential mission or purpose of this organisation, and what is its main strategy in accomplishing that purpose?

 

Covey describes the process that his family went through in developing their mission statement.

This involved –

1. Creating a vision of what they wanted their family to be like

2. Determining what principles they would live by

3. A shared vision that would be owned by all family members

 

Using the Aeroplane analogy, the family mission statement provides both the destination and the compass. Your vision and values are a yardstick against which you can measure your progress, so that corrections can continually be made, to ensure that you reach your destination.

This then becomes a three-step process –

1. Explore what your family is all about

2. Write your families mission statement

3. Use it to stay on track

 

An useful aid in this process are a series of questions that can be used to arrive at the core values of not only a family, but an individual or organisation. In working together to arrive at a mission statement it is helpful to set some ground rules –

• Listen with respect – ensure that everyone is given the opportunity to provide input

• Restate accurately to show that you understand

• Write down the ideas

 

It is important to remember that you should be focusing on the possibilities, not limitations. As with most truly important things in life, the process is as important as the product, so be careful to keep the following ‘watch outs’ in mind when preparing your family mission statement –

1. Don’t ‘announce’ it – involving everyone takes time and patience

2. Don’t rush it – deep and genuine involvement, listening and joint effort are required

3. Don’t ignore it – beginning with the end in mind is a habit, not an event. Writing it down is only

the beginning; you then have to live it.

 

7 Habits of EFFECTIVE FAMILY : Habit 1 - Be Proactive

‘Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom’. This powerful concept establishes not only the opportunity, but also our personal responsibility, for the course our lives. ‘What we all need is a “pause button” – something that enables us to insert a pause between what happens to us, and our response to it, and to choose our own response.’  Habits 1, 2 and 3 focus on how to create that pause button and how to act on principles and values rather than reacting based on feelings or circumstances. As the choices we make all lead to outcomes, by improving the quality of our choices, we can improve those outcomes. Our ability to utilize our freedom of choice is based on four unique human gifts–

1. Self-awareness

2. Conscience

3. Imagination and

4. Independent Will

The development of these gifts like the development of a muscle requires work. The essence of proactivity, and the use of these four gifts, lies in taking responsibility and initiative by focusing on the things that we can do something about. This introduces the concept of the circle of concern and the circle of influence. Proactive people focus on the circle of influence and as a result that circle increases. One way to tell whether you are in your circle of influence or circle of concern is to listen to your own language.

Circle of Concern Circle of Influence

Blaming Vs Accepting responsibility

Accusing Vs Accepting responsibility

Reactive Vs Proactive

‘I can’t….’ Vs ‘I can….’

‘If only….’ Vs ‘I can….’

Building the Emotional Bank Account

The emotional bank account represents the quality of the relationship that you have with another person. You ‘can make deposits by proactively doing things that build trust in the relationship, or you can make withdrawals by reactively doing things that decrease the level of trust. The balance of trust in the account determines how well you communicate and solve problems with another person.

Proactively making deposits is something that we can always do. In fact every problem can become an opportunity to make a deposit. For example –

• Someone’s ‘bad day’ becomes an opportunity to be kind

• An offence becomes an opportunity to apologize or forgive

• Someone’s gossip becomes an opportunity to be loyal to those not present

‘The decision to be the creative force of our own lives is the most fundamental choice of all. This is the basis of Habit 1 – Be proactive.

The Eight Habits of HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE

-Stephen Covey

 

1. They take initiative. (“Be Proactive”)

2. They focus on goals. (“Begin with the End in Mind”)

3. They set priorities. (“Put First Things First”)

4. They only win when others win. (“Think Win/Win”)

5. They communicate. (“Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood”)

6. They cooperate. (“Synergize”)

7. They reflect on and repair their deficiencies. (“Sharpen the Saw”)

8. They find their voice and help others find theirs.

 

 

தெய்வங்கள் எல்லாம் தோற்றே போகும்

தெய்வங்கள் எல்லாம் தோற்றே போகும்
தந்தை அன்பின் முன்னே
தாலாட்டு பாடும் தாயின் அன்பும்
தந்தை அன்பின் பின்னே

தகப்பனின் கண்ணீரை கண்டோர் இல்லை
தந்தை சொல் மிக்க மந்திரம் இல்லை
என் உயிரணுவின் வரம் உன் உயிரல்லவா
மண்ணில் வந்த நான் உன் நகலல்லவா
காயங்கள் கண்ட பின்பே உன்னை கண்டேன்

தெய்வங்கள் எல்லாம் தோற்றே போகும்
தந்தை அன்பின் முன்னே
தாலாட்டு பாடும் தாயின் அன்பும்
தந்தை அன்பின் பின்னே

கண்டிப்பிலும் தண்டிப்பிலும் கொதித்திடும் உன்முகம்
காய்ச்சல் வந்து படுக்கையில் துடிப்பதும் உன்முகம்
அம்பாரியாய் ஏற்றிக் கொண்டு அன்று சென்ற ஊர்வலம்
தகப்பனின் அணைப்பிலே கிடந்ததும் ஓர் சுகம்
வளர்ந்ததுமே யாவரும் தீவாய் போகிறோம்
தந்தை அவனின் பாசத்தை எங்கே காண்கிறோம்
நமக்கெனவே வந்த நண்பன் தந்தை…

தெய்வங்கள் எல்லாம் தோற்றே போகும்
தந்தை அன்பின் முன்னே
தாலாட்டு பாடும் தாயின் அன்பும்
தந்தை அன்பின் பின்னே

 

Why Intelligent People Fail

Content from Sternberg, R. (1994). In search of the human mind. New York: Harcourt Brace.

1. Lack of motivation. A talent is irrelevant if a person is not motivated to use it. Motivation may be external (for example, social approval) or internal (satisfaction from a job well-done, for instance). External sources tend to be transient, while internal sources tend to produce more consistent performance.

2. Lack of impulse control. Habitual impulsiveness gets in the way of optimal performance. Some people do not bring their full intellectual resources to bear on a problem but go with the first solution that pops into their heads.

3. Lack of perserverance and perseveration. Some people give up too easily, while others are unable to stop even when the quest will clearly be fruitless.

4. Using the wrong abilities. People may not be using the right abilities for the tasks in which they are engaged.

5. Inability to translate thought into action. Some people seem buried in thought. They have good ideas but rarely seem able to do anything about them.

6. Lack of product orientation. Some people seem more concerned about the process than the result of activity.

7. Inability to complete tasks. For some people nothing ever draws to a close. Perhaps it’s fear of what they would do next or fear of becoming hopelessly enmeshed in detail.

8. Failure to initiate. Still others are unwilling or unable to initiate a project. It may be indecision or fear of commitment.

9. Fear of failure. People may not reach peak performance because they avoid the really important challenges in life.

10. Procrastination. Some people are unable to act without pressure. They may also look for little things to do in order to put off the big ones.

11. Misattribution of blame. Some people always blame themselves for even the slightest mishap. Some always blame others.

12. Excessive self-pity. Some people spend more time feeling sorry for themselves than expending the effort necessary to overcome the problem.

13. Excessive dependency. Some people expect others to do for them what they ought to be doing themselves.

14. Wallowing in personal difficulties. Some people let their personal difficulties interfere grossly with their work. During the course of life, one can expect some real joys and some real sorrows. Maintaining a proper perspective is often difficult.

15. Distractibility and lack of concentration. Even some very intelligent people have very short attention spans.

16. Spreading oneself too think or too thick. Undertaking too many activities may result in none being completed on time. Undertaking too few can also result in missed opportunities and reduced levels of accomplishment.

17. Inability to delay gratification. Some people reward themselves and are rewarded by others for finishing small tasks, while avoiding bigger tasks that would earn them larger rewards.

18. Inability to see the forest for the trees. Some people become obsessed with details and are either unwilling or unable to see or deal with the larger picture in the projects they undertake.

19. Lack of balance between critical, analytical thinking and creative, synthetic thinking. It is important for people to learn what kind of thinking is expected of them in each situation.

20. Too little or too much self-confidence. Lack of self-confidence can gnaw away at a person’s ability to get things done and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Conversely, individuals with too much self-confidence may not know when to admit they are wrong or in need of self-improvement.

 

LEADERSHIP LAWS - #21/21 : The Law of Legacy

A Leader’s Lasting Value Is Measured by Succession
 

What do you want people to say at your funeral? If you want your leadership to have real meaning, you need to take into account the Law of Legacy. A leader’s lasting value is measured by succession.
 

If you desire to make an impact as a leader on a future generation, then become highly intentional about your legacy. We have a choice about what legacy we will leave, and we must work and be intentional to leave the legacy we want. Here’s how:
 

1) Know the Legacy You Want to Leave – most people simply accept their lives – they don’t lead them. I believe that people need to be proactive about how they live, and I believe that is especially true for leaders. Someday people will summarize your life in a single sentence. My advice: pick it now!
 

2) Live the Legacy You Want to Leave – I believe that to have any credibility as a leader, you must live what you say you believe. If you want to create a legacy, you need to live it first.
 

3) Choose Who Will Carry on Your Legacy – A legacy lives on in people, not things. Too often leaders put their energy into organizations, buildings or other lifeless objects. But only people live on after we are gone. Everything else is temporary.
 

4) Make Sure You Pass the Baton – No matter how well you lead, if you don’t make sure you pass the baton, you will not leave the legacy you desire.
 

Our ability as leaders will not be measured by the buildings we build, or institutions we established. We will be judged by how well the people we invested in carried on after we are gone.

Jackie Robinson observed, “A life isn’t significant except for its impact on other lives.” In the end we will be judged according to the Law of Legacy. A leader’s lasting value is measured by succession.

LEADERSHIP LAWS - #20/21 : The Law of Explosive Growth

To Add Growth, Lead Followers – To Multiply, Lead Leaders

You can grow by leading followers. But if you want to maximize your leadership and help your organization reach its potential, you need to develop leaders. There is no other way to experience explosive growth.

Leaders who attract followers but never develop leaders get tired. Being able to impact only those people you can touch personally is very limiting.

In contrast, leaders who develop leaders impact people far beyond their personal reach. Every time you develop leaders and help them increase their leadership ability, you make them capable of influencing an even greater number of people.