7 Habits of EFFECTIVE FAMILY : Habit 5 - Seek First to Understand.Then to be Understood

The way we see the world is not necessarily the way other people see it. ‘In fact, people do not see the world as it is; they see it as they are – or as they have been conditioned to be.’15 It is important to seek to understand before you seek to influence – to diagnose before prescribing. ‘We each look at the world with our own pair of glasses – glasses that come out of our own unique background and conditioning experiences, glasses that create our value system, our expectations, our implicit assumptions about the way the world is and the way it should be’16

Communication breakdowns result when people interpret the same event differently ‘As we project our conditioning experiences onto the outside world, we assume we’re seeing the world the way it is. But we’re not. We’re seeing the world as we are – or as we have been conditioned to be. And until we gain the capacity to step out of our own autobiography – to set aside our own glasses and really see the world through the eyes of others – we will never be able to build deep, authentic relationships and have the ability to influence others in positive ways.

Empathic listening overcomes the two major communications problems, perception and semantics.

Perception - how people interpret the same data. Semantics - how people interpret the same word.

It means trying to see the world through another’s eyes, within their frame of reference.

Communication is enhanced not only by the practical reality of truly understanding the other persons point of view from their perspective, but also because it builds trust by making significant

deposits to the persons emotional bank account.

‘Seeking first to understand’ means just that. Often we seek first to be understood, so we evaluate, advise, probe or interpret from our own perspective, our own values. An understanding response reflects back the other person's feelings. If the level of trust is high, this can often be achieved quickly, if not, time will need to be taken as you focus on the underlying meaning, which is found more in feelings and emotions than in the words being used.

Empathic understanding is not easy to do. It takes character to take the time to understand someone when you really know what they are thinking (you usually don’t) or when you’re sure that

you have the perfect answer (which you usually don’t).

When the other person is truly understood, to their satisfaction, you can move to the second stage of 5th Habit, seek to be understood. However, having taken the time to understand first, you are better able to speak to others in language that they understand.